The Anxiety of Never Enough

Most people have felt like they are not good enough at some point in their life. Maybe they were picked last in gym class. Maybe their teacher dumped their desk in the middle of class because they could not find their assignment. Maybe they felt like a failure for needing a tutor.

Maybe you were lucky enough to get through childhood with little evidence that you didn’t belong but then your marriage falls apart, or you didn’t get the promotion you were counting on, or the neighbors didn’t invite you to their holiday party.

Eventually that shame of not having it together, being clumsy, bad at math, social skill struggles, managing mental health issues, not being promoted, having a sexist boss , or any other such experiences catches up with us and we feel the hot burn of shame.

As these imperfections inevitably pile up, self-esteem often plummets and instead of just seeing ourselves as flawed but valuable human beings we make the leap to not being enough. Not being enough is the faulty belief that if I don’t put myself out there, try new things and get a little vulnerable I never have to deal with my failures reinforcing the never enough belief. Leading from the never enough belief system keeps us from disappointment, but it also keeps us from growth. Let’s take a closer look at what feeds this belief system.

Comparison is an incredibly normal human behavior, but it leads to disappointment because it is very black and white. Instead of seeing that everyone has different strengths, comparison says that “I will never be as good as anyone in all things.” There is no way to win with this mindset because even if you have an area of strength, you will never be able to discover it and enjoy it.

Social media and online marketing are rigged against our mental health, telling us what is wrong with us and how to fix it. Those comparison and perfectionistic parts of us struggle to stay objective as our dopamine centers get hijacked and it gets harder and harder to put the technology down.

The online marketing shows us what others have that we don’t, a tactic that works even better on kids and teens.

What if we take this process of comparison and instead of comparing ourselves to other people who are just as flawed as we are, we get clear on our values about who we are and what we want our life to be about? What you really care about. Then, when you catch yourself leaning into comparison you can catch yourself and lead back into living from your values.

Another component of never good enough is perfectionism. This is a place of negative self-talk, such as thinking you need to be flawless in social situations, or have life fully figured out by now, that you need to be perfect to be valued.

Comparison and perfectionism are lies, they are not reality. They have been with you for a long time and so they seem so real when in reality they are just beliefs.

When it comes to relationships we long to connect, yet there is no way to connect without being our authentic selves, our flawed, authentic, human selves. We can feel a sense of belonging instead of the hustle of fitting in. We have to value good enough over perfect. If you accept yourself as a work in progress always open to making repairs, you can free yourself from the expectation of perfection.

Another thief of self-acceptance is being stuck between the beginning and the end of the journey.

Anxiety around not feeling approved of is about getting approval from others, something that is impossible to get. It can be tempting to put a mask on to get approval from a given person, but this is dangerous as it outsources your sense of self to someone else. When a child grows up with a hard-to-please parent this causes anxiety as the need for approval is especially important in early childhood.

Regardless of where the not good enough belief comes from it can be challenged in the here and now.

It’s important to use self-talk as you work on letting go of this belief.

A few ideas are:

·      I focus on progress, not perfection.

·      I accept myself as a whole.

·      Life is a journey not a destination.

What would you do differently if you believed you were good enough?

·      Would you drop the mask?

·      Would you take more risks?

Do not hide behind the fear of never being good enough, allow yourself to be vulnerable, focus on your values, what matters to you, and believe in your immense potential to do good in the world.

Kelly Snow, LPC